Being a Mom

My mom sent me this magnet when I was in college and it has been on my fridge ever since (that's going on 13 years, people). Anna pulled it off the fridge today when we were hanging one of her pieces of artwork from school and I suddenly felt this wave of emotion come over me. I've spent the last couple of hours trying to sift through these emotions and just felt like I needed to write them down. Beware, this may get a little deep...

First of all, I am in the middle of a Beth Moore bible study at church and we are doing her updated Breaking Free study. It is amazing. One of the things that we have been required to do is to look back at our families for possible "ancient ruins," or things that have been passed down for generations that could be strongholds on us: prejudice, alcoholism, abuse, fear, anything that keeps us from being free in Christ. She emphasizes the importance of doing this without blame and with respect, so that we may simply be aware of the condition, not necessarily point fingers. After sharing some with my group, it became obvious that beyond the obvious things like abuse and alcoholism, a lot of the women in my group were very affected by their mothers. I think this is true for most women.

After hearing some of their stories, I became so overwhelmed with gratitude towards my mom. Not only is she one of my biggest sources of inspiration, but I really can only think of positive ways in which she's influenced me. She taught me the importance of faith. She taught me how to be a confident, independent woman. She showed me unconditional love for family. She was a true parent when she needed to be and a friend later. The list could go on and on. I am so grateful that there are not wounds and unfulfilled expectations that exist between us. I am so glad I have her as such a positive role model.

Secondly, this leaves HUGE shoes for me to fill when I look at Anna. I only hope that I can be all to Anna that my mom is to me. I pray every day that I am leading her in the right direction and encouraging her spirit and potential. I hope I can be a parent when I need to be and a friend when it's time. I hope I can instill in her the confidence necessary to avoid all the dark holes that this life can throw at you without it. I also understand that only by God's grace can I make it through to this goal with peace and without constant anxiety and worry. I don't have to do it alone.

Finally, my heart breaks for all of the girls and women out there who do not have this kind of relationship with their mothers. I want healing for all those relationships overrun with selfishness, bitterness, pettiness, and unmet expectations. How sad would it be going through life without that extremely important cheerleader standing behind you? Or one that was there, but for all the wrong reasons? I can't even imagine. No wonder so many girls and women suffer from such poor self-esteem. I think one of the reasons that the world today is so broken is because our women and mothers are so broken.

I feel a true calling to do everything in my power to remain whole and true to myself and raise my daughter to do the same. I want to show her to be proud of and satisfied with the body God gave her. I want to teach her that men are wonderful, but you never NEED one. I want her to understand that only you can make yourself happy.

These are lofty goals, I know, especially in this day and time. As long as I remain in faith and continue to show Anna the important things that my mom showed me, we will make it there one day. I have no doubt.