Our Third Little Angel

The reason why I haven't blogged ALL SUMMER LONG is because I was pregnant.  We found out in June and my due date was February 10th, right after Jack was to turn 3.  We were so excited, but cautious, since I had two miscarriages in between Anna and Jack.  I had the normal first trimester exhaustion along with night sickness.  In the morning, I felt fine.  But as the day wore on, I would become more and more nauseated, finally sequestered to the couch almost every night praying I would actually get sick so that I might feel better.  Poor Will was so supportive and helped so much.  He pretty much had to take over when he got home from work because most nights I had to lay down once he got home.

Miraculously, I made it through the first trimester and we had heard the little heart beat multiple times.  They even scared me with an ultrasound to check to see if there was just one baby because I was measuring bigger than my dates.  We got to see one little precious baby moving all around, so much so that the tech could barely get its measurements!  We had gotten over the hump, so we let our guard down a little bit.  We told friends and family.  We talked about it often with Anna and Jack.  We ordered Jack big boy furniture because we thought we would be putting together a nursery pretty soon. We had started to get excited about it.

On Wednesday, August 28th, Anna's third day of kindergarten, I went to my 16 week OB visit.  They couldn't find a heartbeat and we found out that our precious little one had become an angel. I had a procedure the next day and have spent the last few weeks trying to wrap my brain and my heart around all of it.  I had prayed so hard and had tried to listen to what God was leading us to do about our family.  I had been so confident that having a third child, despite my Crohn's situation, was what He wanted us to do.  Now I'm left hurt and confused and numb.  I know with time and more prayer, a new path will become evident.  But it is so painful to wade through the grief to get there.

We had such an outpouring of support from friends and family.  Just the small note or text or email was so huge, letting us know we were being lifted up in prayer.  The hardest part is answering Anna's questions:  Why did this happen?  Why didn't God want us to have a baby right now?  Are we ever going to have another baby? 

I don't know, sweet girl...I just don't know.

My favorite thing that she says is the random (and I mean random--in the bathtub, sitting at the breakfast table, riding down the road), out of the blue, "Mommy, I really wish we had been able to keep that baby." Me, too.  Me, too.

I will just have to wait and hold my precious baby in heaven.